Annual Winter Sadness -- Amplified

WARNING -- I'm feeling sad and this blog posting is all about that.

The year I met my husband, my grandmother died the night before Thanksgiving. Needless to say, it affected Thanksgiving holidays for the rest of my Dad's life. One of the funnier/sadder/truer things he said was something like, "If you are going to die, don't dork up the holidays."

With that in mind, my Dad died 14 years ago this month. His funeral was on December 21. Way to take your own advice Dad!

My Mom wasn't much better. She died in January 4 years ago after a prolonged illness and we spent those holidays before her death worrying about her every single day.

So, in addition to my usual weather-induced depression, I have the memory of both of my parents dying or being sick over the holidays. Add in that my job entails editing very boring material while sitting in a little gray office with no windows. When the skies are gray and it is very cold outside like it is this week, the downward spiral is nearly unstoppable.

This year let's add that I'm turning 50 at the beginning of next week and my feelings of sadness are even worse. I'm turning 50, the skies are gray and I miss my Mom and Dad.

How am I not suicidal?

Before you start panicking and taking away sharp objects and my shoelaces, I understand this is a temporary depression. There are things I can do to make this better -- I just need to start taking action.

1. First I need to acknowledge my depression and have a good cry. It doesn't help to hold everything in. Plus, crying releases endorphins which are in desperate need right now. Kinda started that, but an early phone call interrupted me. I'll try to cry more later.
2. I need to do something different to jumpstart better feelings. I made a first move here by taking the day off. I woke up dreading going to work, so I called in to play hookey. Even told my boss I'm not sick -- I just need a day off.
3. There are a couple of things I have been avoiding and I need to just suck it up and do them. During this day off I'll get some of that stuff done. Lifting even a little weight off my shoulders will help.
4. I need to get outside and walk. Being outside is a great way to lift my mood. Because exercise releases endorphins, it is one of the depression solutions that usually works for me. It is part of the reason I walk outside year-round. Once you get acclimated to cold weather it isn't so bad. And if you are outside every day, eventually you get a couple of sunny winter days that are just amazingly beautiful. Well, the sun isn't shining, but I will try to get outside today.
5. Christmas shopping. This is a little obvious, but if I do something that makes me think about other people, then I can't be obsessing about me. It is so easy to wallow in self pity if I don't change my focus.
6. Eat dark chocolate and drink Margaritas. Just writing this sentence makes me smile!

OK, I'm feeling a little better already -- even without the additional crying. I will head out to run some of those vital errands and move on with my day. Maybe the sun will come out later when I'm outside.

In Good Company!

Hard to believe, but there are a lot of stars -- some pretty hot -- who also turned 50 this year!
http://omg.yahoo.com/photos/stars-turning-50-in-2010/4426?nc#OmgPhoid=1

Gotta say, Daryl Hannah is looking a little rough. My new claim to fame. I'm aging better than Daryl Hannah!

Be Careful What You Wish For

Growing up, my hair was way too thick. When handheld blow dryers first were available, I couldn't use them. First, it took forever for my hair to dry and second, I burned out the motors pretty fast. I can remember wishing my hair was thinner or straighter or less frizzy.

In addition, my whole life I have been a shedder. My sister and I were constantly clogging the shower drain when we lived at home. And several years ago, my husband and daughter wrote a song for me called Mommy Hair -- about how my hair ends up everywhere.

So, I was not alarmed when I noticed that there has been a lot of hair in the bathroom sink, in the shower drain and all over the bathroom floor. Wait, I thought the other day, I don't normally lose hair just standing in front of the bathroom sink. And it isn't just a couple of hairs, it's a lot of them. And then I realized that in the shower it takes almost nothing to get my hair wet when I used to have to stand under the shower for a few minutes to get it wet all the way through. It also takes almost no time at all to dry my hair.

The other day I was walking with some friends who are all older than I am and I mentioned my hair is getting thinner. They laughed. Yeah, that happens, they said, oh, and it doesn't come back!

I know that some women lose their hair -- I know a couple of women who are nearly bald. But no one told me that everyone's hair gets thinner. Just another one of those wonderful aging things that no one tells you until it is too late!

Not only did I happen to start going silver (we don't go gray in my family) at age 16, now I'm going to go bald? This is so unfair!

I want my hair back!

Wrong -- Just Plain Wrong!

Saturday there were exactly two pieces of mail in our mailbox addressed to me:
1) an AARP application;
2) ANOTHER preplanned funeral flyer.

That's just wrong!

PS: How many preplanned funeral flyers am I going to get? And I have received three, and Len has not received one!

Direct Overhead Lighting Should be Illegal

At the Houston Convention Center this week, I was looking in the bathroom mirror and I had to stand there -- stunned. Is that really me? That is NOT me, I decided. OK, I knew it was me, but I was still in shock. Where on Earth did all of those wrinkles come from?

Daily I look in the mirror when applying makeup in the morning and throughout the day -- I know what I look like. So, why would I suddenly have a ton of wrinkles?

Direct overhead lighting!

When standing under the dreaded direct overhead lighting, every single crease, furrow, wrinkle and crow's foot was emphasized and glowing. Even the little tiny ones that I can't typically see if I'm not wearing my "cheaters", and I'm unable to see up close. I have never ever looked so old before!

I am absolutely positive that a man made the decision to put direct overhead lighting in front of mirrors in a woman's restroom. (He should be shot!)

Traveling with Co-workers

So, I'm out of town for work and have had dinner with a couple of female co-workers the last couple of nights.

Tonight at dinner, I mentioned something about an upcoming birthday. Joan, who is 10 years older than I am asked how old I'll be on my next birthday. I said, in about 28 days, I'll be 50. Though it is still hard for me to actually articulate those words, I said it aloud. "I will be 50."

The good news is, they all said I look younger than that. I was feeling pretty good, until they started saying how old they are. One said she will freak out when she turns 30 in 2 years. (She is only 5 years older than my daughter!) The other said when she turns 40 in 2 years it won't be hard at all. The other is already 30 and had no problem with it. (This last one I thought was closer to my age!)

So, the only person there close to my age is Joan!

I feel younger than what I am. And I do think I look younger than the average person my age. But here I am -- out with my co-workers, my peers -- and I am old enough to be their mom!

Somewhere along the way, I have to have made a bad career choice when everyone I work with is just starting out their careers, and here I am, at an age where I should be established and enjoying being at the top of the heap.

(But at least I look younger than that...)

My Hero

I have a friend, Ellie, who is amazing. She recently retired as a nurse, is about to be a grandmother for the first time, and has completed five full marathons in the last couple of years. I have totally lost track of the number of half marathons she has entered.

What is amazing about Ellie, and makes her my hero is, she is 71 years old and started race walking about 10 years ago in her early sixties! Oh, and she is quite a bit faster than I am!

When I think about members of my family, and how they have aged, I don't have a lot of strong role models. My Dad died at 61, all four of my grandparents died of smoking-related illnesses and my Mom died of complications of stroke and COPD at the age of 71. Her last few years she needed a walker, needed oxygen all of the time and had constant knee and back pain.

Ellie is a good gardener, giving me tomatoes all of the time (I barely grew any this year -- again), she is a fantastic baker, spends lots of time with her neighbors, loves going to concerts, her house is immaculate, she cleans her gutters, rakes her leaves and mows her lawn... She never stops moving!

Ellie is officially my role model. When I grow up, I want to be just like her!

ADDENDUM:
Recently after we had completed a half marathon, a woman in her twenties walked up to Ellie and asked if it would be OK to ask her a personal question. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to," she said. After Ellie said OK, the woman asked how old Ellie is. "I noticed from your race bib that you did the entire half marathon," she said to explain the reason for her question. "I did just 2 miles of the relay, and it is the farthest I have ever run. This was my first ever race."

When Ellie said she was 71, the young woman was almost dumbstruck. "You are kidding! You are my new hero!" the woman gushed. Ellie went on to say how many half marathons she had completed this year and how many full marathons she has completed over the last few years. The woman was appropriately impressed.

The woman turned to me and said, "And you are..." I replied proudly, "Her friend. Her very good friend."

NOTE: After the conversation, Ellie was worried that the young woman thought she looked like an old lady. Her point was, why else would she have asked Ellie's age. I explained my perspective. She knew Ellie was older -- that is obvious from the gray hair alone. But she was expecting Ellie to say she was at least 10 years younger than what she really is.