The year I met my husband, my grandmother died the night before Thanksgiving. Needless to say, it affected Thanksgiving holidays for the rest of my Dad's life. One of the funnier/sadder/truer things he said was something like, "If you are going to die, don't dork up the holidays."
With that in mind, my Dad died 14 years ago this month. His funeral was on December 21. Way to take your own advice Dad!
My Mom wasn't much better. She died in January 4 years ago after a prolonged illness and we spent those holidays before her death worrying about her every single day.
So, in addition to my usual weather-induced depression, I have the memory of both of my parents dying or being sick over the holidays. Add in that my job entails editing very boring material while sitting in a little gray office with no windows. When the skies are gray and it is very cold outside like it is this week, the downward spiral is nearly unstoppable.
This year let's add that I'm turning 50 at the beginning of next week and my feelings of sadness are even worse. I'm turning 50, the skies are gray and I miss my Mom and Dad.
How am I not suicidal?
Before you start panicking and taking away sharp objects and my shoelaces, I understand this is a temporary depression. There are things I can do to make this better -- I just need to start taking action.
- First I need to acknowledge my depression and have a good cry. It doesn't help to hold everything in. Plus, crying releases endorphins which are in desperate need right now. Kinda started that, but an early phone call interrupted me. I'll try to cry more later.
- I need to do something different to jumpstart better feelings. I made a first move here by taking the day off. I woke up dreading going to work, so I called in to play hookey. Even told my boss I'm not sick -- I just need a day off.
- There are a couple of things I have been avoiding and I need to just suck it up and do them. During this day off I'll get some of that stuff done. Lifting even a little weight off my shoulders will help.
- I need to get outside and walk. Being outside is a great way to lift my mood. Because exercise releases endorphins, it is one of the depression solutions that usually works for me. It is part of the reason I walk outside year-round. Once you get acclimated to cold weather it isn't so bad. And if you are outside every day, eventually you get a couple of sunny winter days that are just amazingly beautiful. Well, the sun isn't shining, but I will try to get outside today.
- Christmas shopping. This is a little obvious, but if I do something that makes me think about other people, then I can't be obsessing about me. It is so easy to wallow in self pity if I don't change my focus.
- Eat dark chocolate and drink Margaritas. Just writing this sentence makes me smile!
OK, I'm feeling a little better already -- even without the additional crying. I will head out to run some of those vital errands and move on with my day. Maybe the sun will come out later when I'm outside.
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Feeling better already! Running errands, buying a few Christmas gifts and eating Chipotle all have helped. In addition, for a little while the sun was so bright I had to wear shades. The sun was not out long, just enough to lift my mood. Thank goodness I'm not in my little gray office missing it!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - why are you posting @ 0739 when you are playing hooky! Get your old butt back to bed. You forgot to list playing princess - what's wrong with that slacker Lenny - you need a footrub dammit - while you are sippin' that margarita. C'mon you meant that better or worse thing - it's his turn to deal with an aging, balding, SADD effected mid-life, hot flashin' momma - let him step up to the plate. Man-up Bud!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I am glad that you are taking steps to no lose yourself in wallowing. You're right - it WILL get better. At least I hope!
Well,flowerlady, I had a lot of stuff I wanted to get done, so I got up at my regular time and gave my son a ride to school. If I had gone back to bed, I think it would have added to the depression.
ReplyDeleteI just read him your response and he laughed. No footrub for me!
Being productive today did really help! Plus we finally bought a tree. Had planned to do it over the weekend, but we ran out of time. So having the tree up is better.
And I saw my hair guy! (Woo hoo!)
Thanks for worrying about me!
Your friend Rahn could have been talked into meeting you for a beverage. Great post. I trust you are feeling better.
ReplyDeleteBuckeyegrant, Yes I am feeling better. Thanks! It's funny how writing about how sad I was actually made me feel better to begin with. When I really thought about why I was sad (and not just depressed) I was surprised that I miss my parents so much this year. Though I miss them often, it doesn't usually affect me like this.
ReplyDeleteThe next time I am in desperate need of a Margarita, I will call you! In fact, it might be Monday.